Wagon Ride

Juan and Mary Lu are playing more and more independently of me and I am amazed at how quickly I can go from feeling exhausted and full of desperate desire for a break to longing for their companionship. The thing about parenting seems to be not so much that it goes by so fast (of which we parents of young ones are all constantly reminded), but that daily rituals--putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, the things we say to one another as we go to sleep, or stages in their development--crawling, learning to talk, needing our help or companionship in one way or another, these things are there and then they're not. It's that sudden change, without warning or preparation that is the killer. It is my nature to see life moment by moment, constantly wanting to record everything they do or say so that I won't forget, and so that I may look back on it one day. Because of this, I sometimes see these changes coming. During my pregnancy with Mary Lu Juan and I slept together every night in my body pillow. Toward the end of the pregnancy I realized that soon we would probably never do that again and I held on tight to every minute of it. Some things just seem to disappear. One day Mary Lu was walking and crawling, before I knew it, she was just walking. I missed watching her fast crawl across the room after her brother. But it was gone, just like that.

Today we were outside after dinner and I was pruning a bush. I heard Juan ask Mary Lu if she wanted to go for a ride in the wagon. I watched across the yard as he took of the back for her and I started to head over. Then, she just climbed right in, sat down, and off they went. Playing completely independent of me. It was wonderful and heartbreaking at once. So many times I've wished for a moment to get something done, tonight I feel what it must be like to miss your children and to let them grow without you.